My Immortal Doug
by Ant-drew
Summary: Doug has been granted the power of immortality by God or Ancient Aliens or something. Will he make the most of this new found ability, or immediately squander it? Find out!
1. Chapter 1

My Immortal Doug

Chapter 1

Doug Fucking Dies

Doug was so sad.

He had lost everything.

His pants, his watch, his weed, his fedora….all gone.

"What's even the point in living anymore", He thought to himself.

He decided that the only reasonable thing to do was to die.

So he pulled out a sniper rifle from his dick.

"Goodbye cruel country!"

He then shot himself in the head.

He was dead.

RIP.


	2. Chapter 2

My Immortal Doug

Chapter 2

"He's still alive!"

Doug awoke in his bed.

It was morning.

He was confused.

He was certain he had killed himself last night.

He looked at his dick, and noticed that it was perfectly white and healthy.

"Maybe it was just a weird dream." He thought.

But then he noticed the sniper rifle, and the blood.

They both sat right where he had tried to end it all.

He realized it wasn't a dream.

He was given a second chance!

He was ecstatic!

But then, he also realized that he still didn't have anything.

His pants, his watch, his weed, his fedora…still all gone.

He was sad again.

So he grabbed the sniper rifle and shot himself in the head again.

RIP


	3. Chapter 3

My Immortal Doug

Chapter 3

"Fuck it"

Doug awoke again.

He was in his bed. It was morning.

He could have sworn he killed himself again.

Once again he saw the sniper rifle. But with it, two bloodstains.

He was confused and curious.

He clearly wasn't dreaming, so what was going on?

He looked at his calendar.

"February 32nd" he said aloud.

But that's impossible. He tried to kill himself on the 30th.

That's when he realized it.

When he dies, he awakes once more in his bed the next day.

In a way, he was invincible.

Untouchable.

Immortal.

He forgot about all the things that made him sad.

He found new happiness.

He ran downstairs to tell his mom.

But just them he sipped on a skateboard.

He fell down the stairs,  
Into the streets,

And down a manhole.

Crocodiles ate him down there.

RIP.


	4. Chapter 4

My Immortal Doug

Chapter 4

"Social Douglas Warrior: Part 1"

Doug awoke once again.

He had learned his lesson.

No more suicides, and look out for skateboards.

He still wanted to tell his mum about his new ability.

While he was climbing down the stairs with his knees, something kept bothering him.

Why didn't his mum care that he hadn't left his room for 3 days?

Surely she must have noticed his disappearance.

Maybe she thought the sun would hurt him or something.

In any case, he rushed downstairs to meet his mum.

But then a shocking thing happened.

He saw an obese femme the size of a Jupiter where his mum was supposed to be.

She had red hair, glasses with no lenses, no shirt, tampons on her nipples, nose rings on her lips, orange sweatpants, and to top it all off: a pink fedora.

"Wait"

Said Doug

"Why do you have a Fedora?"

He paused.

"Oh, and where is my mum!"

She snorted.

"Check your tippage you shit-deity!"

She threw her fedora at him.

It went through his head.

His head broke in two and fell on the floor.

He was dead.

RIP


	5. Chapter 5

My Immortal Doug

Chapter 5

"Social Douglas Warrior: Part 2"

Doug awoke again.

He was mad.

"That bitch!" he squealed.

"She fucking killed me!"

He knew she would still be there….

Somehow.

She was still there.

She was rubbing a burger on her face.

"Hey cunt!" Doug shouted.

She screeched and accidently sucked the burger through her nose.

"W-wait, you're still alive?" She asked.

"Yeah bitch," said Doug. "Why did you kill me?"

She got on her knees.

"P-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-please forgive me oh mighty Doug!"

Doug was confused.

"What." He said.

"I…I thought you were Andrew. That's why I killed you. But seeing how you came back to life, that means you must be Doug."

"Wait" said Doug, "You know of my ability."

She got up.

"Here, let me explain Doug. I am a Social Douglas warrior. We are a unique and euphoric race of people who believe women should be able to have their periods and everything, while at the same time getting mad that women won't fuck us, and stuff like that. You see…we're a combination of Social Justice Warriors and Neckbeards."

"Ah" said Doug, "Makes sense."

"But wait!" said Doug also, "Why are you called Social Douglas Warriors?"

"Well, you see…. in the future, you create us. You fell in love with an extreme SJW. I can't tell you her name, or else I might destroy the time rift. Oh yeah, I forgot to mention, I'm from the future."

"Oh, ok," said Doug, "Cool"

"So, in a way," she said, "You're pretty much a god."

Doug's eyes widened.

He looked her in the nose.

He couldn't belie it.

He was so shocked that he literally exploded.

RIP


	6. Chapter 6

My Immortal Doug

Chapter 6

Social Douglas Warrior: Part 3

Doug woke up.

"shit", he said.

He would get up, but he just remembered that he's technically a god.

"How is this possible?" He asked himself.

"How can I be a god? How can I possibly tip my fedora now?"

What was even the point now?

If he found his fedora, he wouldn't be able to tip it because he now knows that God is real, and it's him.

"NOOOO!" he screamed.

"There is a way out of this!" He shouted.

"I just have to figure it out. Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm…." He screamed.

He thought for 7 minutes, but couldn't think of anything.

But suddenly, while looking at his time traveling delorian pllushie from Back to the Future ™, he got it.

"Since that cunt is from the future, all I have to do is change the past!"

He was silent.

"Hmm, now how do I change the past?"

He thought.

"OHHH! I got it! I have to kill her! That will change the past! Thank you time traveling delorian plushie from Back to the Future™!"

He put his dick on it to thank it.

He then slid down the stairs, and confronted the Social Douglas Warrior.

"Hey bitch!" He shouted.

She stopped rubbing ducks on her butt and looked at him.

"Oh, hello lord Doug. What do you want?"

Doug's blood boiled when she called him "lord"

"Don't…"

He huffed.

"…..Call…."

He puffed.

"…..Me….."

He shit.

"…..LORD!"

He swung his dick, with the Time traveling delorian plushie from Back to the Future ™ still attached to it.

The plushie flew towards the Social Douglas Warrior.

It hit her face, hard.

Her head flew off her body, and into the sun.

The rest of her body turned into mayonnaise.

"Yay! I changed the past!" Screamed Doug in excitement

He was finally free of the Social Douglass Warrior.

But then, the Time traveling delorian plushie from Back to the Future ™ came back from the distant future.

"What." Asked Doug.

Doug's face walked out of the plushie.

"Fuck you" It said.

It then shot Doug in the face with a quadruple barreled RPG.

He died.

RIP


	7. Chapter 7

My Immortal Doug

Chapter 7

Doug's Mum: Part 1

Doug woke up.

He felt good.

"I finally killed that bitch! Yay!" He jiggled.

But then he remembered about the fact that his face killed him.

"Oh" He sighed.

He had to figure out this mystery, so he went downstairs to investigate with his eyes.

He looked around the floor for the time traveling delorian plushie from Back to the Future ™.

But instead of finding the plushie, or his face, he found a note.

"Is this my homework?" Asked Doug.

It wasn't.

It was actually a note from someone very important to him.

Someone he really loves, and needs.

Someone…

That someone was his weed.

"*Gasp*" Said Doug.

The letter said:

"Hello Doug, it is me, your weed. I need your help. Your fedora, your pants, your watch, and me have all been kidnapped. I'm leaving this letter on the floor because I know you're retarded and probably won't be able to find this letter unless I leave it on the floor or something. I hope it doesn't take you like, a week to find this note, you fuck.

Love, your weed.

PS: Your mum also go captured I guess.

"Oh" Said Doug.

He had to save them all. Perhaps they could find the answers to as of why he has been cursed to always die, yet always live.

"Is that even living at all?" Asked Doug, in a profound way.

He stared at the ceiling for a little while, contemplating his existence.

He stopped after a while.

He decided it was time to find out, by saving his loved ones!

He just had to find out where they have all been taken to.

Too bad his weed didn't specify.

He went outside ready to start his adventure, but then he remembered his profound statement.

He said it to himself again.

"Is this even living at all?" He said aloud.

He began to contemplate his existence again, and looked up again.

But instead of the ceiling above him, it was the sun because he was outside.

He tried to stop starting at the sun, but he was so amazed by his euphoric deepness that he couldn't stop looking upwards.

After a little while, the sun burned through his eyes and melted his brain.

He was dead.

RIP


End file.
